Angry with myself

Last year when my mother found groom for me, there will be serious fight at home but this time round my mother came to me and said there is a proposal and its all up to me. That was it... I became so sad!! I couldn't cont' my veenai practise. I just went blank.. THIS IS FASTER THAN I THOUGHT!!!

Why am I so sad and confused?
Why cant I bring myself to say OK?

I thought all this will happen only next year. I wanted to have a good trip, relax my mind and then ready myself for all this. I don't want to hold grudges with anyone. I don't want to cause any pain or trouble to anyone around me. I decided to just do what everyone around me want to do since what I wanted is NEVER going to happen.

When I left the kitchen quietly without answering my mother, I felt the saddness around me has started in the house. This is all because of me... I didn't want to this to happen... I want that laughter in the house. I don't want my father to fall sick again.... then why am I being so cruel? Why cant I just say YES...

SARAS.... DAMN.. why am I not saying YES !!!! I cant bring myself to YES..

Ganesha... Iyya.. Please do something... Please....
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